Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that woul fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it up to his ear and count to 10.The scouser said to the doctor, "i may not be the smartest guy in the world, but i don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held it up to his ear and began to count : "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at whicj point he paused, placed the can between his legs and continued to count on his othe hand. This procedsure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Norfolk, Brixham, the Isle of Sheppy and anywhere in Wales.

An old man was sitting at a bench in the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours, green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?", without batting an eyelid, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and f*cked a parrot, i was just wonderin gif you were my son.

Some Blonde jokes

911
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

Adventures in Disneyland
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humourBartender
A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L."
The bartender says, "What's an M L?"
The brunette says, "A Miller Light."
Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L"
The bartender says, "What's a B L?"
She says, "Bud Light."
A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."
The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?"
The blonde says, "7&7, duh!

Blond Father
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

Blonde - Detectives
Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.
''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''
The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.
''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.
''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''
After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''
This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''
''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''
!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."