Welcome to the best Jokes in town

A joke is for life not just a larf

40' Long and Stinky

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home

69

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

80-Pounder

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?
People say he was half-nuts!

A Daring New Position

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."

"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.

"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.

"Yes."

"Do farts have lumps?"

"No. Why do you ask."

"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

A Giant Problem

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
You didn't?! It's all over town!

A Hooker and a Bungee Jump

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

A Prayer Before Dying

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.


A Small Journey Through Hell


A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to personally escort the man around so he can choose the section of hell he would like to be in. The first section has everybody being burned constantly and getting a glass of water every 7 hours. The second section has everybody working hard and getting a glass of water every three hours. The last section has everybody kneedeep in crap.
"Well, this doesn't look too bad -- and it beats being burned or working. I'll take the crap."

"Okay," says the devil. "Everybody back on their heads."

Archeological Gag

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

Baked beans and their delightful tune

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

Banker Joke

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.

"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."